It’s Not Me, It’s Him.
While listening to ROSÉ’s and Bruno’s APT.
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I closed early today and took a drive home with my colleague who has very graciously been dropping me home from work this week. Somewhere between traffic, work gist, and discussing weekend plans, we somehow landed on the topic of my ships, or lack of ships, depending on who’s asking.
After my update on who’s who, he mentioned that Oga and I must be in a good place because he seems to make time for me more. Immediately, I could see why it looked like that from the outside; Oga and I have had some good trips, meetups, “come with me” plans, long drives, a bunch of tiny ordinary moments that naturally make things look more serious than they really are.
So I mentioned that this same person would very easily disappear for days. Not even in a dramatic ghosting way, just more like life happens, everybody gets busy, and eventually we circle back.
My colleague, a lucky millennial who’s happily married and saved from the streets as they are now, was surprised. “Even with the constant hanging out and talking?”
And that’s when I started my infamous TED Talk on “it’s not me, it’s him.” Let’s get into it.
There’s a strange thing about modern dating that I don’t think we say out loud enough: sometimes what feels special to you is just somebody else’s normal life and you happened to be there at the same time. I don’t even mean that negatively.
There’s a category of people who are just living their lives. They already like nice restaurants. They already travel often. They already move around a lot. They already hate doing things alone. They already enjoy having company while they move through life. So when they find somebody whose company they enjoy, or just somebody available when they need, they start including that person in the flow of their already existing life.
Which, to be fair, is still nice. Personally, one of my greenest flags is just being folded into somebody’s world without the pressure of grand gestures and elaborate plans. There’s something genuinely warm about somebody saying “come with me,” or “I’m doing this thing and I want you there.”
But I think a lot of the confusion and the quiet resentment and the “why does this feel like something but also somehow feel like nothing?” comes from being in an inclusion situation while quietly hoping, maybe even assuming, it’s consideration.
Let me paint you a picture.
A man asks you to join him for dinner at a nice restaurant. You get there and everybody already knows him. The valet guy greets him. He barely opens the menu because he already knows what he likes there. Naturally your brain starts romanticizing the experience because, the setting IS romantic with great food, soft lighting and pretty good conversation. Everybody clap for yourselves.
Meanwhile this man has probably been there with his friends, colleagues, cousins and maybe another babe before you.
The crazy part is that it’s not because you’re not special or because he doesn’t like you. This is simply his life. You got a seat at a table that was already set.
I used to think being invited on trips meant sooo much because travel feels intimate to me (please I still do, top tier romance). Airports and shared itineraries, “have you packed?” moments, buying food before boarding, kaiii >>>>. Very cute.
Until you meet somebody who is simply always outside and at some point you realize this person would still be booking flights regardless. Might be alone, might be with friends, or a replacement that looks like you. You just happened to be invited into the movement of their already existing life.
Sigh.
I think this is one reason why modern dating can feel so confusing sometimes, because spending ordinary time with somebody naturally creates closeness.
One minute somebody is asking you to wait in the car while they quickly run into a store and next thing you know, you’re sitting in their apartment arguing over what to watch, linking with their friends, hearing about work stress, helping them pick outfits and suddenly your brain starts wondering:
hmm, what are we?
(Pencils in the hands of the Creator, my darling).
Here’s what I’ve realized:
Inclusion can feel very intimate. Especially in this generation where dating is less formal and more “slowly entering each other’s routines.” Inclusion is shared meals and joint work trips, its availability and proximity and a consistency at their own pace, when they feel like.
You know what it’s not? Consideration.
If you know me, you know there’s nothing I’d rate more than consideration, one of the highest forms of love in my humble and wise opinion. Where inclusion is “join me”, consideration is “I thought about whether you’d enjoy this.”
Consideration bends towards you specifically. It’s someone adjusting cause they remember. It’s them creating space intentionally instead of simply handing you access to what already exists.
Where inclusion just shifts to make room for you, consideration takes shape around you and doesn’t just ask you to fit nicely within the already existing one.
Inclusion is fun and can feel soft and relationship-adjacent, but if you’re not careful, you can start reading deep intentionality into somebody simply enjoying your company within the rhythm of a life they were already living before you arrived.
Imagine it: you can genuinely like someone, enjoy them, want them around often and even miss them…and still not necessarily be considering them.
Sigh, again.
Abeg, I’m not saying one is evil and the other is pure. I think sometimes people are just existing honestly within their capacity and lifestyle and emotional availability. Sometimes “come with me” genuinely just means “I like being around you”, which, again, is not nothing. I like that too.
But I think there’s a difference between being welcomed into someone’s life and somebody actively shaping parts of their life with you in mind.
Anyway, I’m not even sure exactly what the point of this musing is. I don’t have a verdict on any of this by the way, neither am I standing here with an answer and a ribbon on it.
I’m just a girl pls… asking to be considered.
Hi my lovee,
You good? Welcome to May! Can’t believe we’re in month 5 already, gosh. Thank GOD, gonna be a goood month that leads to the best month 🤭.
This time last week, I was fighting for my life (or God was keeping my life for me) on the floor, in a wheel chair and then a hospital bed. Glad I’m back okay but send me your best gynecologist recs in Lagos please.
No story today because the reality is stranger than fiction 😂. Yes but no, I just had such an interesting conversation and started writing in the car. Now that it’s published, I’m going back to my reading and reduced social media.
I hope you’re good? Plans for the weekend? Come and gist me, let me live vicariously through you.
Thank you for always reading and the sweetest messages you guys send (use the comments here sha).